Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Be still, my beating vagina.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
