last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
