I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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