I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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