I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
