i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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