i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
