weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
