I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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