Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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