that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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