You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
