So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
