Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
