why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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