Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
