i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
