please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
