Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize