My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize