do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
