someone owes me an orgasm
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
