just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
