I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
