mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
