I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
