Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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