youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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