Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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