My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
