yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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