of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
