I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
