My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
