Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
