So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
