If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
