Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
