i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
