the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
