I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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