I can text with my tongue
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
