Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
