Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
