I am spending my child support on dildos
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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