I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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