Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
