I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
