I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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