Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
