Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Are we still banned from the library?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
