thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
