if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have already put on my inside pants.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
