The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
