her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
