he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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