My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
