my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
