you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize