I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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