My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
