tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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