If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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