really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
