Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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